I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
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NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
peeping toms
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
Worth a try