[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
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I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets