“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
You Might Also Like
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭