My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
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I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.