One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
You Might Also Like
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
🤣🤣🤣
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
Happy thanksgiving!
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.