*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
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Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
📽️movie date🎞️
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do