Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
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Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
security at the airport getting more straightforward
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
ready to be harvested
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.