Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
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Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
Sunday
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
A drum solo but on your face.
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.