Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
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Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
🍞🦆
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.