God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
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I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.