A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
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I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.