Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
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“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
I know a bad idea when I see one.
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once