I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
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How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.