i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
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him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
Siri, fight Alexa.
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*