If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
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It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
The big book of baby names but for safe words
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic