There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
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Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
We’ve come full circle
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.