Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
You Might Also Like
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
reminder
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.