Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
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Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
It be like that sometimes 😆
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.