No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
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I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.