“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
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5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
So that’s what we looked like?
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*