“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
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Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop