*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
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A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
Happy Taco Tuesday
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
what day is it?
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers