CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
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me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
All set.
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}