Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
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Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST