CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
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Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.