*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
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me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”