Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
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Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car