Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
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They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
*exercises sarcastically*
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose