Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
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I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross