It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
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[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
Harsh but fair
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
how much for the angry fruit?
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn