After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
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Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
Body by cheese-puffs.
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*