If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
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Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
Does beer think about me too?
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
Me in tagged photos
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.