SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
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Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
every college guy’s fridge
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
never deleting this app.
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?