Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
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wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.