It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
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Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
⚠️ Important Reminder:
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.