My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
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You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
Kermit goes Blue.
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates