Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
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Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
I’m not lazy
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.