ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
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Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
It’s an epidemic…
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
Proofread twice, hang posters once
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.