Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
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Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it