Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
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Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.