Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
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The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
I am a gravy boat captain
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!