It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
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911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
When does CPR become necrophilia?
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land