Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
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[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
Haha good job!!
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”