welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
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Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
A customer told me they were never coming back….
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.