My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
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I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
“I took care of your clown problem.”
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
I just stopped by to water my horse.