Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
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Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
me 2 months after i graduated
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv