I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
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My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂