keep reaching for the stars, kid:
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in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.