“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
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Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
found my next D&D character name
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”