My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
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[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
Cha-ching is my safe word
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.